mm mhm mhm

so i think i realized why i like to work alone and dislike when the boss shows up.

its probably pretty common for most guys on the job to dislike the boss showing up, kind of a cliche thing i think. ive been working for this guy fixing up an apt. hes a nice guy and seems pretty patient as far as most of my bosses go, hes pretty good about showing me how to do something that ive never done before and ya its a good situation. so my disliking his presence on the job has nothing to do with his personality. i think i realized that it comes from being at home and hearing my dad pull up in the drive way and when he came home, that sorta thing.

i didnt get along very well with my dad growing up, we've always had a really strained and awkward relationship, car rides are typically silent still but thats just the way it is i guess. well when he came home i think i probably just went to my room to draw. i think i spent a lot of time by myself when i was a kid and i guess i got used to doing things with no boss around. now, when im on the job, i work really well when no one else is there, or maybe just one other person, or actually, i think the room could be full of people and id still do fine. theres just something about the boss being there that messes with me. maybe its because i dont recall being encouraged by my dad very much.

like i said i used to spend a lot of time alone and drawing. well when he was younger he did a lot of sports and drove dirt bikes around and was into hunting. i wasnt as interested in hunting when i was younger, and aside from that, my dad really never tried getting me to do anything, he also didnt really think much about my drawing. the only memories i have of any comments from my dad about my art work: when i was younger and showed him a picture he asked why i didnt draw a mountain man or something like that, this happened a couple times, and when i got a little older he asked me why i would draw women wearing no clothes. maybe i mistook my dad, as i said we didnt really talk that much, but his questions seemed less like a curiousity and more like a critisism.

so i suppose at some point i didnt want to draw in front of my dad because i was worried he would ask what i was drawing and i wouldnt have the right answer. well i think the same thing goes for working on the job. i dont think im going to dissapoint the boss, ive been told im not a bad worker, but i suppose i just get this feeling that im doing something wrong. and i guess thats one of the things i can add to the list of things my dad gave me, a constant feeling of being wrong and always on the fringe of dissapointing someone. so thats neat i guess.

but as long as im talking about work i might as well say i work with this other guy, frank, and hes awesome. i was thinking about it the other day and i think that he might be the perfect person for me to work around. he likes to talk, but not too much, he doesnt have to talk to fill the silence, and when he does talk, its not with the intention of getting a response from me, which is good. i really hate working with someone who likes talking but stops doing what they're doing and stops you so they can tell you something. i really hate that. i like being busy at work and i dont like standing around with nothing to do. i would much rather have something to do at every point in the day than taking breaks constantly. and thats whats good about frank too, hes got a good work ethic. a hard working person is actually a turn on for me, something about that is just really really attractive to me. not in franks case however, hes just a pleasure to work around. i really like working with people who have a good work ethic, someone who cares about getting the job done. hes very nice too, and thats great to work with people who are polite and always nice. it makes work a lot better. i was thinking about how i dont really want to do construction stuff anymore cause im just kind of tired of it. but now that i think about it, this job could be a lot worse. i hope i have this kind of impact on people, making their lives a little better. hmm.

today at work i remembered that i could play music on my phone. i got pumped cause i was wondering if the day would go by quicker if i listened to music i like. there were a couple songs that made me think of people and made me nostalgic and o yeah, i had a really interesting thought that was just, i dont know, kinda crazy.

i always have a lot of meaning placed on songs and sets of songs. they usually remind me of someone and a time of year. while listening to some songs and painting a baseboard at work today, i was curious if i just place my effection for people based only on the way things were at a certain place and the convenience of the circumstance. that might be a bit of a mouthful.

i often feel nostlgic when listening to certain songs because it reminds me of a time and a place and people. usually i miss people and start missing them a lot when i listen to this music. this made me wonder if my effection for people isnt based on how i feel about them, but the fact that i want to feel that. like maybe someone who loves being in love, and isnt really inlove. i wondered if i just like remembering the times and the fact that i had these times, and im always stuck on stuff that happened in the past. i dont know i just became cusious if i really have a real effection for anyone, like if maybe i got married to someone and somewhere down the line i hear a song and suddenly feel the same feelings that are as strong as they always are, about someone else. but maybe real people are actually like that. felicity said on her twitter that she wondered if people really love other people the way they do in the movies. i suppose i wonder if my feelings for people mean anything or not.

learned how to play two by the antlers on the piano...kinda. it would sound GREAT if i had more than just a piano though, like a guitar and drums. made me remember when i went and saw them with ben and brian and felicity. dang.